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HAPPY BIRTHDAY MR MITTS - I Beseech You, Great Mr. Mitts! Assist My Curses!


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In your great honour, wtfsad and I have written you A FIC.

"HELLSING IS SO SHOUJO LOLOLOLOL!!1!!1!1!1!!!" Mr Mitts read out loud as he cruised LJ. "LAFF! How stupid!" (BECAUSE MR MITTS REALLY TALKS LIKE THAT STFU)

A smirk came onto his face, but not an overly smug one because English people can't display too much emotion or something according to their laws.

LAFFing again to himself, because he just found himself so funny, he began to type a reply.
"YOU ARE STUPID YOU STUPID PERSON STUPID!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!1111 LOLI PICCHA," typed Mr. Mitts.

Meanwhile, somewhere else, Rikku was reading this very message.

"RAGE" said Rikku, who was offended by Mr. Mitts' posts. She tracked his IP address (WTF) and found his house (WTF) somehow (WTF) and ran all the way there (WTF) and jumped in his window.

"TAKE THAT MR MITTS" said Rikku, as she zapped him with a colorbar.

"I'M TURNING JAPANESE I THINK IM TURNING JAPANESE!!" Mr Mitts sang as he, indeed, began to turn Japanese. Rikku was unhappy with the result, though, so she zapped him again then ran away.

Mr Mitts thought she was a strange visitor, but he soon forgot about her as he decided to go stare at himself in the mirror as he was wont to do. Imagine his shock when he looked in and saw AN AFRICAN-ENGLISHMAN!!!!!!!!!!!

"YO WASSUP BROTHA" said Black!Ford immediately. Because you know, Black!Ford lives in England and so does (the now Black!) Mr. Mitts, and England is like this one little area where there are like five people total with you know WTF the queen and Mr. Mitts and J.K. Rowling, Black!Ford, and Arthur Dent. What the hell.

Anyway, Black!Ford was Mr. Mitts' neighbor/flat mate/brother. Thus the reason he said that stuff he said just now.

"WTF," said Mr. Mitts, who had missed the press conference earlier about turning the UK into an apartment complex with five people.

"Shut up," J.K. Rowling said as she walked past.

"Sorry sista, was you finishin' up yo book?" said Black!Ford apologetically.

"No, I was counting my money again! LAWL" J.K. said as she went back to her apartment.

"WHAT HAS HAPPENED TO ME?!" Mr Mitts finally exploded. He was so instantly filled with rage that he went to his computer and typed "I AM SO FILLED WITH RAGE ARGH YOU ARE ALL STUPID TOADY SLIMEYS AND YOU ALL SUCK LIKE A FESTERING MASS OF FESTERING STUFF!" As it was, this comment ended up in the "HELLSING SHOUJO" topic.

"OH NOES!" screamed the poster of the post. "HOW RUDE AND MEAN I SHALL KILL MYSELF NOW!"


Unfortunately, (or fortunately, whichever way you see it) the other poster was a person by the name of Glassdarkly. She was an idiot with the tendency to do whatever anybody told her to do, and thus promptly killed herself. Now, Glassdarkly lived in America, and we all know that in America we fsck u up, or at least the LAPD does. The LAPD saw (or felt because they have LAPD powers) the death of Glassdarkly and decided to blame the person who had last come in contact with her, which was Mr. Mitts.


"Noooo!!!" shouted Mr Mitts. He didn't want to go to prison. Horrible stuff happened in there, and it was so... dirty. He threw himself at the Queen. "SAVE ME!" he cried, but she ignored him because she was busy reading Q X A smut fics.

"It's ok," Mr Mitts said, trying to reassure himself. "I shall flee to Amerika! George Bush will protect me."


"GASP" said Mike Meyers.

":-O" said Chris Tucker.

"STFU FAGGOTS" said Mr. Mitts. "You think I'll be stupid enough to go like this?"

"Yes," said Black!Ford, who immediately got a fist in his face and a knee in the groin.

"I will disguise myself! With my disguisable disguises of disguisedness!" said Mr. Mitts, stroking his chin.

"I HAVE A BETTA IDEA!" said Ford. Mr Mitts was disinclined to hear him out, but he let him speak. "LET'S CONVINCE THE POLICE THAT GLASSDARKLY ISNT DEAD!"

Mr Mitts sighed and slapped him.

"No, listen!" said Black!Ford 10 minutes later when he had finished blubbering. "WE could dress up as her, and the police will think that she's fine, and they won't even be HUNTING for you! How does that sound?"

Mr Mitts was going to slap him again, but he decided the man had a point. "You have a point," he said as he slapped him. "BUT HOW CAN WE COSPLAY HER?! WE'RE BLAAAAACK!!!"

"You are also like two people, man." said Book!Zaphod, who had been drawn into this conversation by the mention of (Black!)Ford's name.

"WEOirodkfOAIRLKFOWLKD DURR HURR," said Movie!Zaphod, who is retarded.

"WTF," said Mr. Mitts.

"I have a cunning plan," said a tiny tit of a man named Baldrick. "You will make your disguise so believable that they will just think you two ARE one person!"

"Good plan!" said Black!Ford.

"How will we do that?" complained Mr Mitts, who was really smart, but had no clue when it comes to things like this.

"I have JUST the thing!" Zaphod snapped his fingers, and a television crew appeared. "Welcome to... ALIEN AMBUSH MAKEOVER!!!!!!!!!!!" (BROUGHT TO YOU BY A FIC TRILOGY LAWOFAR18 AND SAD HAVENT FINISHED YET)

An hour later....

"THANK YOU MOTHER OF ZARQUON IM WHITE AGAIN!" Mr Mitts cried as he stared at himself in the mirror. He sighed longingly and touched his white cheeks. Then he shrieked and dropped the mirror. "I'm also a WOMAN!"

"What, did you think Glassdarkly was a man?" laughed Ford, who was made up similarly. "Let's go!" And with that, he dragged a horrified Mr Mitts into the "AMERIKA PORTAL" in their apartment, where they were zapped into the middle of Ohayocon.

A bunch of screaming girls went past and Mr. Mitts cringed. When these girls didn't bother him, he realized how great his disguise was or whatever.

Oh wow! said Mr. Mitts to himself.

"WTF IS THIS" said Mr. Mitts out loud.

"Don't talk in your man-voice, bro!" squealed Black!Ford in a badly imitated women's voice.

"Oops," squeaked Mr. Mitts.

"O....M.....G" said a nearby voice. They turned to see a little teenie dressed as Kagome from Inuyasha. "YOU MADE IT GLASSDARKLY!" she screamed as she glomped them.

"Uh, yes... yes we did," Mr Mitts stuttered. "And I am ALIVE!"

"Of course you are," giggled the Fangirl. "Unless you're Alucard-CHAN! WAI! HE'S SO KAWAIIIIIIII!!!!!!!! Hey, where's your costume?"

"It's... it's... uh in the bathroom. We have to change," made up Black!Ford hurriedly as he pulled Mr Mitts into the women's restroom. "What now?" he hissed.

Zaphod miraculously appeared again to save the day. He held up two schoolgirl outfits.

"LOLI TEE HEE" said Mr Mitts, getting all starry-eyed.

"You will wear this!" Zaphod proclaimed mightily. "COSTUMES FOR TOMO AND CHIYO-CHAN!"

"SICK THAT IS DISGUSTING!" Mr Mitts said, suddenly offended.

"You're the one who was all LAWL LOLEE LOLOLEIELILI!!!!!" said Zaphod.

"WAT NEVER" said Mr. Mitts. Mr. Mitts, you lying bastard! NO

"Whatever," said Black!Ford, admiring his legs in his revealing new outfit. (SIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIICK)

"WTF," said Mr. Mitts.

A very horrified Mr Mitts in pigtails walked out a few minutes later, much to the delight of Fangirl, who had been joined by several clones of herself. They all squealed and glomped him and giggled.

"I can't stand this!" Mr Mitts moaned when they had managed to shake them off.

"Just fo the rest of the weekend fo sho," said Ford. "And I like it! TEE HEE! IT FEELS FREE!"

Just then, around the corner, they heard Evil Whispering™.

"Alright, and you will lead the main invasion force in," said one secretive voice.

"Yes, and then ALL OF ENGLAND SHALL BE OURS! MWAHAHAHAHAH!!!" the other voice evilly whispered in an evil laugh.

"GASP!" Mr Mitts gasped. He had just heard a Major and Captain cosplayer rehearsing their skit, but he thought it was real!

Mr. Mitts was so determined to let the world know about these fiends that he didn't feel the virtual slap coming from the author of this part of the story.

"I must infiltrate their evil fortress/base/coffeeshop before they can get away with this!" said Mr. Mitts.

"Yes!" said Black!Ford, who didn't have any idea what he was talking about.

Mr Mitts immediately put on spy music and began to talk to everyone in a James Bond Voice™, completely forgetting he was dressed up as Chiyo-chan. People screamed and ran away except for Rikku, who appeared and started taking pictures, shouting, "YOU'RE EVEN HAWTER THAN MAN-FAYE!"

Mr Mitts and Ford screamed and ran and ran until they crashed straight into the Major cosplayer.
"OW!" said the Major cosplayer.

"AHA!!!!!!!!!!" shouted Mr. Mitts, tearing his face off to reveal... well, not another face like he expected.

"SCREAM!!!" screamed Black!Ford in terror.

WARNING: If any sort of description of violence, pain and/or death bothers you, please do not read the next sentence!

The Captain cosplayer, who was a girl, ran off, tripped, fell out the window and onto a crowd of people, who all died.

For those of you who haven't read the last sentence, here is a TRANSLATION of it: Bad stuff happened.

The POLICE were called, but they fell in with a crowd of police cosplayers, and mass confusion ensued.

"I AM POLICE!" one shouted.

"NO I AM POLICE!" said another, stepping forward.

"I AM POLICE!" various people shouted, stepping forward. They all glared at each other. Then a bunch of random Spartacus cosplayers arrived and glared back at them. WTF

"I HAVE A WARRANT FOR GLASSDARLY'S ARREST!" one shouted above the tumult of the crowd.

"Uhh," said Mr. Mitts, stripping himself and Black!Ford of their clothes and disguises. (WTFFFFFFFFFF)

"Here she is!" said Black!Ford, reaching into his briefcase and pulling out Glassdarkly's corpse.

"Oh, you're heroes!" said a Gay!Policeman. (WTF)

The police were so happy that they shook hands with the two and handed them medals. "Wow, I can't wait to post about this on my LJ!" said Mr Mitts.

"No," said Ford sadly, "because LJ doesn't care about black people either."

":-O" said Mr Mitts. He looked down and sobbed, remembering suddenly that he was of different skin colour. "I will fix this once and for all!" he cried. "I must speak to Rikku!"

"You can't because you defriended her! =(" said Ford. (WTF)

"NOOOOOOOO!!!" said Mr Mitts in a heavy British accent.

Mr. Mitts immediately went to LJ and friended Rikku. HINT HINT HINT.

"AWWW TEE HEE" said Rikku, hugging Mr. Mitts. The power of Rikku's Hug of OMG WTFness returned him to his normal state.

And thus was Mr. Mitts able to settle back home by that evening with a little cup of tea... Wondering who he should flame next. Maybe us because we wrote the most plotless fic EVA. NO YES!!! LAWMOFMDLKSMAF

Leave a comment
[User Picture Icon]
Date:September 14th, 2005 03:46 pm (UTC)
...That was, by far, the best Mr. Mitts fanfic I've ever had the pleasure of reading. Never mind the fact that it's also the ONLY one I've read.

*adds to memories liek whoa*
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Date:September 14th, 2005 04:02 pm (UTC)
[User Picture Icon]
Date:September 14th, 2005 04:21 pm (UTC)

SAD writes the best fics EVA.

23479234798239283742 gold stars.
Date:September 14th, 2005 04:25 pm (UTC)
Don't forget lawofar18! It was a collabo-crack-fic! ;_; LAWL

[User Picture Icon]
Date:September 14th, 2005 04:59 pm (UTC)
OMG. 293420 apologies to lawofar. ;_;
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Date:September 14th, 2005 05:18 pm (UTC)
Date:September 14th, 2005 04:36 pm (UTC)

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Date:September 14th, 2005 05:19 pm (UTC)
[User Picture Icon]
Date:September 15th, 2005 01:49 am (UTC)
I lulzed
[User Picture Icon]
Date:September 15th, 2005 02:41 am (UTC)
Hee! That was funny.
[User Picture Icon]
Date:September 15th, 2005 10:37 am (UTC)
That was......
Thanks for the ensuing laughter.

*Also adds to memories.*
Date:September 15th, 2005 11:28 am (UTC)
A smirk came onto his face, but not an overly smug one because English people can't display too much emotion or something according to their laws.

That is true. The nerves connecting our cortico-thalamic pathways to our facial muscles are severed at birth.


*blank face*
Date:September 25th, 2005 08:14 pm (UTC)
good material my friend but add a little spice i dont know be creative
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Date:September 27th, 2005 08:30 pm (UTC)
keep up the good work hunny
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