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I Beseech You, Great Mr. Mitts! Assist My Curses!

WORSHIP HIM OR DIE OMG WTF

Name:
The Community for the Worship of MR_MITTS!
Membership:
Open
Posting Access:
All Members , Moderated



THE QUESTION:
Do you think Mr_Mitts is the swankiest person, EVER!?

Do you wish he could help you, like he helps all those OTHER PEOPLE who have SAD, MISERABLE and EMBARRASSING problems?


Do you want to know who Mr_Mitts is?
Mr. Mitts has worked internationally, for more than 20 years, variably as a business consultant, arms trader, acupuncture expert, safe-breaker, bond-broker, Egyptian lawyer, war-crimes tribunal defendant, bomb disposal expert (EOD), stand-in for Brad Pitt at celebrity shopping mall openings, heart-surgeon, stunt-man (he was in that film where the helicopter landed on the train), dog psychologist, oil-prospector, political extremist and novellist.

He was born in Shanghai, the son of an English multi-millionaire and a beautiful - but dangerous - Japanese-born ex-Triad boss. After watching his parents' brutal death at the hands of the Tongs, he emigrated to Scotland at the age of 6, being one of the few people to have earnt a black belt in ju-jitsu while under the age of 10, and lived in his grandfather's castle estate for some years. At the age of 18 he left for a life of high adventure, starting off as the cook onboard an ocean-going vessel that travelled around the Cape Of Good Hope.
After numerous exciting incidents involving pirates, he was made helmsman - only to be captured and arrested while arriving at Bangkok Harbour, due to a forged (planted) passport.

He escaped and fought his way north, into Tibet, meeting the Dalai Lama, and then making his way up into Soviet Russia. Some months later, he walked into Alaska - the first man under 20 to walk across the Floe.

Today, Mr. Mitts leads a quiet life as a test-pilot for super-secret super-sonic aircraft for the secret British Empire that controls the world. However, he has not forgotten his roots.


What does all this mean?
Mr. Mitts wants to help all people! Bringing your problems to him on this LJ and asking for advice is the best way to go about it! Mr. Mitts hates no one (inproportionately) and he will strive to help you, with anecdotes, advice, stories and interpretive dance.

All these people have been assisted in their plight using Mr_Mitt's unique form of abuse AID:

- Brad Pitt
- Doctor Hook
- Tony Blair
- Doc Holliday
- His mum
- Andy Peters
- Elton John
- glassdarkly
- Charlie Sheen
- Fatty Arbuckle's Nephew
- Anne Rice
- Iosef Stalin's Daughter
- AND MANY MORE!


Wow! I Have Problems! How Can I Get Help?
Mr. Mitts is a non-profit person. All you need to do is become a member, log-in, and ask a question! No problem is too big, no problem is too small! We want real problems though; not problems about your toilet not flushing, or your LJ not working! If your mom is mean to you, or someone spams your LJ then tell us! We want TRUE DRAMA! TRUE PATHOS! MORE EXCLAMATION MARKS!


I Don't Have Any Problems That I Want To Talk About; What Else Can I Do?
That's okay, we accept liars here too. You can write fanfiction, post pictures - just post anything to amuse Mr. Mitts on his long nights spent in one of his multitude of worldwide condos, sipping champagne with a bevvy of luscious beauties. AMUSE HIM, YOU RABBLE OF FAGGOTRY!


There are some rules, however:

- Mr. Mitts doesn't like spammers. He was once a troll (once); to spam is to be heartless! Have a heart and be good. Or he'll kick the crap outta ya.

- There are no stupid questions... just people who ask them. Don't be a smart ass. Mr. Mitts will kick the crap outta ya.

- Don't give advice until Mr. Mitts has given his advice. Mr. Mitts' advice is based upon years of collected data and bad-assery. He's wrestled alligators, Soviet ninjas and - on one deadly occassion - a time-travelling super-fiend with a right-arm made of gold, and a phased light gun! Oh, and vampires.

- Mr. Mitts can make up new rules, on the spot - just because he can. He's funny like that.


--------------------

HAVE YOU SEEN THIS MAN?

!!! SNAKE GANDHI !!!



SNAKE GANDHI IS WANTED FOR NUMEROUS CRIMES AGAINST HUMANITY, THE WORLD, AND SNAKES. HE IS TO BE CONSIDERED ARMED AND DANGEROUS.

"If India wants a massacre - SHE SHALL HAVE IT!"

"My work, is to vanquish good."

BEWARE HIS SINISTER SNAKE-LIKE EYES, AND ADHERENCE TO THE BELIEF THAT THE ONLY ONE WORTHY OF HIS TRUEST ATTENTION WOULD BE KUNG-FU JESUS, VAMPIRE HUNTER.



Show your appreciation for this man of sharp wit and clever humour by JOINING US TODAY!!!



This conspiracy is run by;

"WTFSAD" and "Mr. Mitts"

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